Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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