my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?