mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian