I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
