Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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