Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
