I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
