Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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