After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
