Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
