Soap is not a condiment
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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