I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Randomize
