Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
