last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Randomize
