Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
