Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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