i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I stole a fireplace last night.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
