Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
