I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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