God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
