My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
