you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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