I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
