Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
