Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
