Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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