i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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