why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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