I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I need water and some morals
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