Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
