Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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