My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
