I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
