did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
