Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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