So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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