I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
