I cannot find my penis.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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