I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
