so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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