I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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