70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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