i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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