whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
