the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
