Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
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