my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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