My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i think i just lost a toe
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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