I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
