ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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