I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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