We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
