I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
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You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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