I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
