I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
