did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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