So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
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I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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