where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
