for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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