he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
